You’re an asshat and my life is now motivated

Long story short: yesterday this guy wanted me to cheat on my boyfriend with him and I told him to take a hike.

Since then, I’ve not only told my boyfriend all about it (because I hide nothing from him), I deleted about 600 contacts from my phone, started biology, and made tuna salad.

I know tuna and biology don’t seem like a big deal, but I’ve had a hard time motivating myself to do things lately.

And for some reason, asshat with warped morals jump started the motivation car for me.

*Just took a break from writing this to peel kiwis for out smoothie station at work and I may or may not have sliced my finger open…*

Now if I could get motivated to work out and do some yoga that would be great.

**Put a bandaid on it and continued peeling, that’s how awesome I’m feeling today**

Day Seven and after

It’s two days after my fast officially ended.

On day Seven I got to talk to my dad, who is the wisest guy I know, about everything that’s been on my mind.

It definitely helped me out.

Now I’m on the beach listening to Jesus Culture at 10am.

It’s so relaxing.

I needed this.

Day Five

Even. Neutral.

Whatever you want to call it, that’s me.

I didn’t get that job. I did have that talk.

Your smile. My laugh.

There’s this weird balance to everything that’s going on.

Fail. Win.

Up. Down.

That’s day five for you.

Sigh.

God, you got two more days to sort this out.

And if not, You’re still good.

Day Four

I’m just as confused as the first day.

Just not as emotional.

I’m a bad person trying to be a good person who can’t get away from being a bad person.

I guess that’s how we all are.

I just have never been in this situation before.

You’re a much better person than me.

You’re the good guy and I’m the bad guy.

I’ve normally always thought I’d be the good guy, but now that I look back, it’s always just me assuming I’m the good guy because I’m always stressed out.

I need to actually start being the good guy.

Somehow.

I just really don’t know how.

Day Three

Oh God, why am I here?

What am I doing?

I thought I was clear headed.

I thought I was getting things sorted.

Oh God, repair my heart. My eyes. My ears. My mouth.

Give me the courage to do what is right.

Lead me where I should go.

Give me friends who will guide me and stick with me.

I am lonely.

I am lost.

I am confused.

I am a sinner.

Forgive me most of all.

Forgive me.

Day One

I can’t stop crying.

Partly because of my stressed out thoughts, but mainly because I’m a woman and we biologically come upon that time of the month where all we do is cry.

I think tonight I’ll ask.

I think tonight I’ll be brave.

Face what I’m pretty sure could cause more tears.

Or maybe I should wait until day three of this fast.

(By the way, I’ve gone to log onto Facebook four times today only to remember I can’t beat this boredom with that site. I brought a book to work though, so I’m prepared.)

No, tonight is the night. If God opens the moment for that conversation to happen, then I’ll summon the small amount of courage I have to ask.

Ask what?

Well I can’t tell you right now.
But one day.
Soon.
Maybe.

(Someone remind me to start writing my stories again. I have a bad memory and need a reminder later tonight.)

Will be in touch.

Fasting

I’ve been mentally drained for over a week now and have no clue as to what needs to be done about a few situations in my life.

I’m stuck.

So I asked God to help me out.

What do I need to do next?

“Fast.”

Proceed to me freaking out because I heard His voice loud and clear in the middle of the cafe.

Okay… For how long? I can’t go without food. My body isn’t ready for that.

“Seven days. Fast all social media.”

Alright, that makes sense.

So here I am. I just deleted all the social media sites on my phone and uninstalled all apps.

It’s dead at work. So no clue how I’m going to waste three hours until we close, but I will do it.

And hopefully, I’ll be seven days closer to figuring everything out.

Prayers would be appreciated.