Even. Neutral.
Whatever you want to call it, that’s me.
I didn’t get that job. I did have that talk.
Your smile. My laugh.
There’s this weird balance to everything that’s going on.
Fail. Win.
Up. Down.
That’s day five for you.
Sigh.
God, you got two more days to sort this out.
And if not, You’re still good.
Oh God, why am I here?
What am I doing?
I thought I was clear headed.
I thought I was getting things sorted.
Oh God, repair my heart. My eyes. My ears. My mouth.
Give me the courage to do what is right.
Lead me where I should go.
Give me friends who will guide me and stick with me.
I am lonely.
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am a sinner.
Forgive me most of all.
Forgive me.
I can’t stop crying.
Partly because of my stressed out thoughts, but mainly because I’m a woman and we biologically come upon that time of the month where all we do is cry.
I think tonight I’ll ask.
I think tonight I’ll be brave.
Face what I’m pretty sure could cause more tears.
Or maybe I should wait until day three of this fast.
(By the way, I’ve gone to log onto Facebook four times today only to remember I can’t beat this boredom with that site. I brought a book to work though, so I’m prepared.)
No, tonight is the night. If God opens the moment for that conversation to happen, then I’ll summon the small amount of courage I have to ask.
Ask what?
Well I can’t tell you right now.
But one day.
Soon.
Maybe.
(Someone remind me to start writing my stories again. I have a bad memory and need a reminder later tonight.)
Will be in touch.
I’ve been mentally drained for over a week now and have no clue as to what needs to be done about a few situations in my life.
I’m stuck.
So I asked God to help me out.
What do I need to do next?
“Fast.”
Proceed to me freaking out because I heard His voice loud and clear in the middle of the cafe.
Okay… For how long? I can’t go without food. My body isn’t ready for that.
“Seven days. Fast all social media.”
Alright, that makes sense.
So here I am. I just deleted all the social media sites on my phone and uninstalled all apps.
It’s dead at work. So no clue how I’m going to waste three hours until we close, but I will do it.
And hopefully, I’ll be seven days closer to figuring everything out.
Prayers would be appreciated.
Today is the first day I’ve felt relaxed after reading a bible verse in probably two years.
I have an interview tomorrow for a job I need. Though I’d rather work in the field I’m going to school for, I’ll work any job that provides for my needs at the moment.
I’m going on a date tomorrow! With my boyfriend of 2.5 years… Still excited though! We haven’t been on a real date in a while.
I have no clue what I’m doing. No clue where I am. Where I’m going. I have an idea where I’m going career wise, but everything else is blank. Great.
There’s a girl at work who makes me very self conscious and feel small. She steals the show. My show. Yet she’s the only one here who treats me like a human being. Figures.
I’m three pounds down, but have no motivation to exercise, do my daily yoga or physical therapy, and God only knows if I’ll ever try jogging again. The only reason I’m three pounds down is because I had the flu for a week. Bummer.
Could say I still talk to God, but I’m not that much of a liar. Habitual sins are still around. My excuse is that I’m human. My sin is that I’m freaking human. I cuss half the time and have no desire to step foot in a church.
That’s a lie.
I should have said, “I have no desire to step foot in any churches down here”. I have a strong desire to be back where I was spiritually and I think this blog will help me get there.
I think.
We shall see.
Twenty-something/Seven 